I don’t want to end it.

But I’m not sure I was ever really in love to begin with.

So why do I feel so much dread with the thought of breaking up?

It’s not because I can’t live without you.

It’s not because our relationship is perfect.

It’s because I’ve become attached.

We’ve spent almost every day together for the past 2 months.

I think what hurts the most is the fact that you don’t feel the spark.

You just don’t want to be lonely.

You care for me as much as any dude would care for a friend that listens to their problems and gets to have sex with whenever they want. But that’s as far as it goes.

So you play along with my fantasy of being your girlfriend. And I accept the role playing because I want you to want me so badly, that I figure you’ll come around eventually, eventually your feelings will match up with mine. But they still don’t. And they never will.

I’m not happy with you anymore. It feels forced. Fake. Like I’m forever trying to hide my true feelings so you won’t think I’m weak. Or crazy. I wish it could go back to how it was in the beginning, when you wanted to impress me. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other and even though you still hadn’t gotten over your ex, you wanted me. But I didn’t want you that much. And that was okay, because I had the power.

Maybe that’s just it. Maybe I just can’t stand not to have the power. I want to be the one to call the shots, to have control over your heart. And this feeling of weakness is too much to handle. That’s why I want to break up.

But I can’t bring myself to do it.

I don’t want to deal with the wondering.

“I wonder what he’s doing.

I wonder if he’s fucking other bitches.

I wonder if he found someone else.

Someone better.

I wonder if he’s wondering about me.”

I don’t want to be so easily forgotten. I don’t want to be a stupid moment in your life that lasted 5 seconds and holds no true value. That’s why I can’t end it yet. Not before I regain my power. But that starts with me. I have to love myself again. More than I claim to love you. I have to be more worried about my own future than “our” future.

But the girl in me can’t help wanting to be wanted. Wanted by you. I just…

I don’t want to end it.